Stools and other samples

I had my annual medical checkup today. All went well although I think they slipped up because I realized afterwards that I hadn't been asked to provide a warm liquid in a plastic container to them - you know - the one you provide after walking across the crowded waiting room to the facilities, when everyone watches to ensure you emerge successfully with bottle in hand to provide to the waiting nurse - lucky recipient.

However, the doctor did inform me that now that I am over 50, I need to provide stool samples (see illustration) as a precaution against colorectal cancer . I expressed my great anticipation to collect those for her, though I didn't mention that my previous doctor had started that process when I hit 40. I didn't bring it up again to the new doctor, after my other one left town. The prize for a positive sample is a free colonoscopy, so I'll be trying my best. (Those of you who are younger likely can't wait until your turn.) Of course, the hardest part is that you have to do this on three different days and take two samples from the same stool on each day. So what if you're not home when the ideal occasion arises for a sample??

I must admit I looked at my doctor in disbelief when she explained that I would need to send my stool samples by mail for examination. I had a brief (very brief) moment of sincere sympathy for postal workers. You'll recall those reply envelopes you've completed and verified that you've checked three things before sealing? Number one, in this case asks, "Did you apply stool to both areas, in all 3 test windows?" Fortunately, that envelope is to be enclosed in another before mailing. (I took special note that there is an adhesive liner for sealing, as opposed to requiring your tongue). Strangely, with all the other stupid warnings you see on things, the envelope instructions lack the statement NOT to return the wooden sticks used to collect the samples. Too much information? I'll spare you the suggestions they give on how to actually retrieve the stool. Let me just say that we gave up trying to give both urine and stool samples from the dog to the vet, and we pay extra for the vet workers to extract them.

So, if you are one of those unfortunates who tends to steal from Canada Post, let me advise you right now to just let the bulky envelopes that are addressed to CML Healthcare Inc in Mississauga pass you right by. Don't touch them. You won't be any wealthier by your discovery. Then again, if you have an illness that causes you to steal from the mail, opening one of those envelopes just might cure you forever.