Gnashing of teeth

I am now the proud owner of a mouth guard. No, I haven't taken up hockey. And I'm not referring to those stinky $5.99 sports mouth guards from Wal-Mart. No, this one only cost $300.00 (Thank goodness for dental plans).

It all started when I switched pillows one night back in early December. I woke up with an incredible headache and neck pain, and then when I opened my mouth to eat breakfast my jaw hurt so bad I almost cried. I couldn't open my mouth very wide (my husband could interject with a few comments here) without excruciating pain. So I got right into the dentist who had no problem diagnosing that I have temporomandibular joint disorder - now isn't that a mouthful?

I've always been fortunate to have strong healthy teeth and gums - never had a cavity until I was in my forties. But we know from the condition of my molars that I grind my teeth when I sleep which places a strain on my jaws. I really don't think 'stress' is the cause of my teeth clenching. I read a few interesting things about the clenching and grinding of teeth at sleepdeprivation.com :

• "Believe it or not, we chew our food with the force of 175 pounds per square inch. When we grind our teeth without the food, the force can be doubled, which will result in serious damage." That's a hard fact to swallow.
• "It has also been discovered that avoiding caffeinated foods and drinks like colas, chocolates and coffee can increase teeth grinding." Better increase my intake of chocolate for sure.

• "Since teeth grinding takes place during sleep, it is nearly impossible to tell when you are suffering from it." Hope they didn't spend a lot of money for a study on that.

• "One way to treat teeth grinding is learning how to relax your jaw muscles at night. You can accomplish this by holding a warm washcloth against your cheek, right near your earlobe." And are you supposed to fall asleep with this wet cloth on your pillow?

• "Mouth guards or night guards....are designed to keep the teeth still in the mouth...." Good. I would hate for them to fall out of the mouth.

My young dentist is the most personable, laid back, friendly person on the planet and she told me she grinds her teeth as well and wears a mouth guard to bed; in fact, she hates it if she has a night without it. So that convinced me that I needed one myself to provide relief to my jaw and prevent the grinding. In the meantime, I bought an orthopedic pillow and that actually provided instant relief and I had no problems after that. But, I'd already booked an appointment to have the mouth guard made so I went ahead with the plan.

Try to imagine clamping first your top row of teeth and then the bottom row into a very thick cement-like substance that has the smell of Pepto Bismol, feeling like it's filling most of your mouth and then sensing it gradually harden while you of course, cannot swallow. When the dental assistant pulled (yanked?) the moulds off of my teeth, I could have sworn they were going to come out by the roots. Bleeck!

This week I received the finished product. A clear guard in the shape of my top teeth.

On the first night I ran hot water over the mould and then placed it on the top row of teeth. I smiled widely at my husband and told him I felt like a beaver. Bad case of buck teeth. I tossed and turned that night and went in and out of a fitful sleep. I dreamed that I was at a buffet table, dipping shrimp in the cocktail sauce, but when I went to eat it I couldn't bite down on it. In my dream I recognized that I was wearing a mouth guard to the event (how attractive is that?) so I took it out and tried again to eat the shrimp. Still couldn't do it. When I awoke and recalled the dream I laughed and now have come to the conclusion that I'm not stressed when I sleep. I just eat all night long, chomping away! That's okay. There's no calories in that. But perhaps I should switch it up and dine in my dreams at senior's homes with soup, mashed potatoes, and rice pudding.

Now if only I could accomplish what those dieting products promise.....'lose weight while you sleep!' Yah.....in my dreams.