Shut up!!

This morning's Garfield said it all for me. I am SO not a morning person. I can remember when I was....but I've lost it somewhere between babies who wouldn't sleep and having teenagers in the house during the way-too-early onset of menopause. My 18 year old son who still lives at home suffers from 'delayed sleep phase syndrome', but that's a subject for another blog.I don't remember the last time I slept through an entire night (nothing to do with a snoring husband and a golden retriever on the bed, of course). I really should get up in the middle of the night to post my blogs because I'm laying in bed composing them in my head anyways. I have a million of 'em....until morning when they've all become a fog. Makes for a long day at work when I sit in front of a computer continuously...but somehow I focus, get through it, and make up sleep later. (Most women I work with are menopausal too, so it's all good!)

Saturday night my son did not come home after work. In fact he did not come home at all. We have a rule that he must call to let us know where he is. I was pretty sure whose home he was at...his usual buddy...but he hadn't come home to change which was most unusual. So I laid awake all night like a mom with the 'what-ifs'. What if he's laying in a ditch all bloodied from the gang who stole his wallet? So I dozed a little, and then phoned the buddy's house at 8:30 am. My son was there and had 'forgotten' to call. I was less than gracious to him on the phone, especially when I learned the parents were away on holidays. I could have blamed my tirade on the fog of 'no sleep' I was in, or on the fact that he should have called, but I was just not nice to him. In fact I was angry that he had been up all night and now wouldn't be going to church. I felt bad immediately at the manner in which I attacked him instead of his actions.Why can't I just shut my mouth sometimes? There are better ways to express your displeasure at your kid's behaviour. The only word that would come to my mind all the way to church was 'grace' and how I needed to extend more of it. 'Grace'. It wouldn't leave my mind. Wouldn't you know it. The songs we sang in the service were centred around 'grace'. We had a special speaker who was more of a stand-up comedy act, and her theme was 'grace'. She has suffered all her life with bipolar disorder, but never knew what it was until age 40. She was hilariously funny in her approach - we laughed till we cried....but then we cried as she described the tragedy she has lived with in deep dark depression, doing drugs and drinking to escape, and wanting to die. Throughout her life she didn't know why she couldn't shake the depression and just be happy, and her friends and family didn't understand either.The only thing she has ever been able to cling to in her darkest moments of feeling that God must hate her, was His grace. In a moment of near suicide, she was struck with the knowledge that regardless of how deep of a pit she was in, God's grace reached deeper. So she clung to that grace, and insisted on believing in it regardless of how desolate she felt. She finally learned that she suffered from a mood disorder, which is an illness that is hereditary. She was given medication to stabalize the mood swings, and explained that there is no more shame in that than a diabetic taking insulin. Her own daughter suffered terribly and ended up going to a home at age 15 with unbelievable problems; however today she is married with kids and focusing her life on helping others with this same disorder. She could never have related to them had she not been through it. I have also been through periods of depression, though not near that drastic, and I learned the same thing. When you're in the middle of darkness and you can't get out of it, cling to His grace no matter how you feel. His mercy and love are immoveable and don't change. Hang on to the knowledge that He loves you no matter how you feel or how long it takes to get through.

Yesterday I was reminded to be more compassionate to people because you don't know what they are going through.....to shut my mouth more often.....and extend His amazing grace to others....including my kids.

"...I didn't know which way to turn;
then I called out to God for help:
"Please, God!" I cried out.
"Save my life!" God is
gracious—it is he who makes things right,
our most compassionate God.
God takes the side of the helpless;
when I was at the end of my rope, he saved
me."

Psalm 116: 4-6 (The Message)