Unlocking closed doors

The other night I had a bit of a disagreement...a spat if you will with my just-turned-20 son. I used poor judgment with my knee-jerk reaction and he became angry about house rules and suggested that he would just move out - an idea he's been tossing around. I think it's important for a young person to move out on their own and learn how to handle life....but not out of anger. Better to go with wisdom, a plan and some goals. I was more concerned in that moment that he would have the desire to set his own wise rules of conduct and boundaries so he would make good choices when he's on his own.

I went to bed to mull over how I could have handled the situation better. I was hurt, not about the incident, but that our relationship was rocky in that moment. I love my son immensely and don't want anything to stand between us. I had a very poor relationship with my mother -we always locked heads on issues and I was bitterly unhappy at home through the teen years. I felt like I was never allowed an opinion. She was just always right, end of discussion. That along with other things left me in a great deal of internal pain that for the most part stayed locked up in me for many years. I vowed I would never have a relationship like that with my own children and I very much embrace the statement found in The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren: "We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it. "

But I'll admit I have battled over the stuff that's come out of me that reminds me of what I disliked in my mother. Spills out when I least expect it and annoys me. Amazing how so many responses are 'learned' and stick with us....so engrained we don't even recognize them in ourselves. It makes it difficult to 'unlearn' them. I learned in some studies I took as a young person that if you allow the people who 'grate' you to bug you enough, without realizing it, you actually start to become like them in your character. Funny how that works.

Anyways, as I lay in bed...(mothers do this to themselves)...I thought back to praying over my baby while he was still in my womb, the birth pains, foregoing sleep, sacrificing everything you are and have for the next many years as your life becomes all about raising your child.

Of course children don't recognize or remember the magnitude of sacrifice on their behalf. There is hardly a mother who is not truly hurt when a harsh word is spoken to her by her son or daughter because a mother asks nothing in return for the sacrifice of themselves that they have poured into their children. They quietly take the hits of unkind words, slammed doors, disobedience, etc while holding the love and care of all the years and memories in their hearts, and patiently wait for maturity to settle into their kids.

So being in a self reflective mode, I wasn't ready for what happened next. In that moment it was all about my pain that things were strained with my son....but the next moment was bizarre to me because it hit me out of nowhere. I can't describe it other than as an 'AHA' moment.

I suddenly could clearly see and understand that my mother had had exactly the same pain I was feeling.

In the past I always saw me as the victim and my mother as the one who was wrong, and though I had long ago forgiven her for all the pain I felt she had caused me and felt I was free of all that, I now could see all of my insolence to her, my crappy attitudes, my lack of concern for how she might have been feeling, and my self centered victim excuses, even into my adult years. I hadn't recognized her sacrifices.

My heart just kind of caved in at this revelation and I wept like a baby....a grieving kind of weeping as I have felt at gravesides....as I asked God over and over to forgive me for the pain I caused my mother. You know I can't remember ever seeing her cry, and yet I'm convinced she probably did when no one was around. And I had never cared about that.

So where did all that grieving come from?? I'm 51. That was like...30 years ago. My mom passed away several years ago.


I am not implying that my mother was a horrible person - she wasn't. I think she had her own private pain about stuff and quietly lived with many locked doors inside of her. No one can tell me pain from childhood whether perceived or real doesn't affect you into your adult life...even if you think you've dealt with it. We are often victims of victims. If you had a peaceful life, be very grateful. If you had some rocky times that you've shut away inside, keep your eyes wide open and your heart tuned. It may not be until your own children or other circumstance opens your eyes for an 'AHA' moment to bring healing of past pain.

Come to think of it, I had been meditating on forgiveness earlier in the week in regard to something else and had promised God I would surrender whatever He required of me in this area. Maybe God knew I needed this door unlocked that I wasn't even aware was solidly shut, in order to free me in other areas of my life.